Things you cannot do with a fucked up hand

7 Oct
I, meaning HB, recently fucked up my right hand and had to wear a splint for two weeks. My right hand being my dominate hand that I do FUCKING EVERYTHING with. The good news, I didn’t break it. The sad news, no cool ass cast to paint on and have friends, family, and random stranger sign. Thank God that I that I lost my pride years ago and that I have sense of humor because the onslaught of jokes and teasing could really drive a girl to drink and becoming severely depressed…again. Let’s just say, self deprecating humor comes in really hand when your me.  On one of my whinny bitch moments, I came up with a list of things I was unable to do with said fucked up hand. I thought I would share.
 
Things I cannot do
 
  1. Washing my own fucking hair: Relegated to having my husband, bless his heart, wash my hair like an invalid (did I spell that write? probably not). He has never washed a girls hair before. There is a process, you cannot just slap body soap on my hair, rub it around and call it good. We’re gonna try again but if it doesn’t work I’m gonna have to start interviewing for shampoo girls. (Interviews were conducted and the pleasure of washing and styling my mop top was given to the wonderful and amazing Kimmie. Actually, she volunteered. What a great bff I have.)
  2. Styling my own fucking hair: Clearly having my husband do it was never a thought. It took about 10 minutes to try and straighten my bangs with my left hand, then another 10 trying to put it up in a bun. It looked liked a 4 year old did it. My only hope is that Ayla will take pity on me and straighten my hair. I am seriously in love with her straightener by the way. Makes my hair look amazing, soft, & shinny. Perhaps I could sell some blood or get a second job to pay for one. (As stated above, bff Kimmie was gracious enough to taking on the styling task. Still want Ayla’s straightener though)
  3. Going to the ladies room: I am not one to discuss bathroom habits but have you tried wiping with your non-dominate hand? Using my left hand is like having a stranger wipe my ass for for me. It is awkward and uncomfortable. Not only that, but I almost fall off the toilet every time! Seriously makes me want to not drink anything.
  4. Pain pills: I can’t take them. Awesome. Totally makes my day.
  5. Writing: Two of my fingers work but it takes forever to write one word and I have to do this finger roll thing, it’s ridiculous. I can write with my left hand. it looks like a 7 year old wrote it and since i never use it it’s screaming at me, “I’m you left hand, I’m not suppose to work this hard!” (This was before my splint. After my splint, only my thumb was out and about so i had to wedge a pen between my thumb and my wrap and then use my whole arm to write.)
  6. Typing: Pecking at the keys with my good pointer finger while my left hand is yelling, “Enough all ready!” (Again, that was before splint. After splint i was relegated to left hand typing only. my left hand hates me now.)
  7. Using the mouse:  Right hand is a no  go. Left hand is very uncoordinated. Spend half the time going, “Where’s the fucking pointer!”
  8. All of these things induce a slew of colorful language to spew out my mouth. Fuck ,shit, goddammit! (patsy voice), Mother of Pearl, Christ on a Cracker, For the love of Pete, OMG, Ughhh…
In conclusion, this is what I have learned:
  1. Next time, punch the person you are mad at. At least they will be hurting too and you will feel better. If it’s your brother, don’t forget to kick him in the knees first, he will go down faster.
  2. Don’t hit the bag so hard. Yeah that’s not gonna happen. I’m pissed. I’m not going to hit it like a “Nancy girl.”
  3. Use your gloves
  4. Perhaps meditation…although highly doubtful
  5. While attempting any task, people will stop and watch you try to do said task. They will laugh and make jokes and ask why your tongue is out. I stick my tongue out when I’m concentrating. Don’t judge, it totally helps. Next time start charging .50 cents. If you are gonna be a side show freak, the least you can do is get snack money.
  6. Try and keep your stress level and anger down. You will only want to punch more things and cannot risk losing the use of both hands.

Awesome Baby Names

20 Jun

I’m never having a baby but in case you are I thought I’d give you some more name suggestions to add to your list. Three of these names are jokes – but if you can’t spot them then I’m not going to tell you 🙂

  • Cyrus

  • Chamberlain

  • Angus

  • Zebulon Starshooter (yes, you have to use both names)

  • Milo

  • Trace

  • Larabee

  • Silas

  • Kila

  • Starkey

  • Wakely

  • Captain

  • Yardley

  • Zelly

  • Hoolio

  • Violet

  • Dexter

  • Frisco

  • Oddrey

  • Dash

  • Archer

  • Mitchell

  • Satchel

  • Radley

  • Muerto

  • Ellory

  • Jonesie

THINGS TO HOARD FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

5 Jun

Recent Conversation with the hummingbird and her family nest :  “Did you hear about the 2nd zombie case in the news? Some lady ate her own kid’s brains!”,  Me :  “That means it’s coming!! The big one!!! We need to figure out something to hoard if/when the Zombie Apocalypse comes (hereafter known as the ZA) – something that other people will really want later but won’t think to hoard until it’s too late.  Something like………Diet Pepsi!! and Cheetos! And antibiotics.  The Diet Pepsi means you won’t have to worry about finding or purifying water – and the antibiotics is for all the gonorrhea.”

So : In the spirit of saving up for the ZA and it’s aftermath, Please submit your ideas for possible things to hoard that other people probably will not think of and which will make you very rich and powerful until a zombie eats your brains.  I’ll get you started.

1) Diet Pepsi
2) Cheetos
3) Antibiotics
4) Batteries
5) Flying Squirrels
6) Wet wipes (because if we aren’t showering we ARE going to need to cleanse our stinky parts on a regular basis). 

BIRTHDAY THOUGHTS………….

11 May

1) Bluh

2) Eyeroll, groan, heavy sigh

3) Really? Do I have to act like I care?

4) If everyone forgot and I didn’t get at least a couple of presents I would be upset – but if those got mailed to me in brown boxes without cards or any fanfare associated with them that would be perfect.  Just a couple of “Hi, we didn’t forget your birthday” presents but we know you prefer to avoid the social interaction that goes along with the giving of gifts so that’s all you get.”  Then I could open them and say “Hey – neato – it’s a ______ for my birthday” and then email the person late with a “hey, thanks for the neato thing that was really nice of you” and then it’s over.  easy peasy.

5) No, I don’t want my office decorated of for anyone to sing to me or have others gather ’round to wish me a happy birhday.

6) No, I don’t want everyone in the office bugging me throughout the day with happy birthday wishes which in turn makes me respond with an “awww thanks” which then leads to me being questioned about any special plans I may have…………………    Which are to avoid birthday celebrations at all costs.

The Marty Chronicles …Episode 3 – Do NOT call me at work

14 Apr
It’s 1994.  Marty and I have been living together for about a year & a half.  I’m the supervisor/trainer at an answering service with 120% staff turnover every year and some of the lowest wages around.  I work 10-12 hour days, 5-6 days a week and usually have a trainee plugged in to my headset so they can listen and learn call-control and how to use the system.
Marty works at a lumber mill – usually graveyard or swing shift and he works overtime on a regular basis too – so we come and go and different times and often went 24 hours or more without seeing each other awake.  When he woke up in the afternoon or evening, he had a habit of calling me at work and just blurting things out that I would rather he not share with my trainee/co-worker – especially after I’d explained the strict policy against taking personal calls at your workstation and warned them that we tracked this kind of thing.  This was before cell phones and caller ID – the phone rang and you didn’t know who was calling until they spoke (scary to think about that now huh?)  He always called on my supervisor line which was supposed to be for clients who either needed to make account changes or complain about something.  After explaining to him several times that he should only call me for something urgent and he needed to ask me if I had a trainee listening before saying anything other than “hello” – and him subsequently “forgetting” and doing it anyway – I finally told him he was not allowed to call me at work anymore unless it was a dire emergency – like blood, fire, or earthquake.  Wanting me to pick up McNuggets for him (my work was next to a McDonald’s) was not considered an emergency.  Nor was asking me where things are – especially things he doesn’t necessarily want/need to use at the time, or things that were not appropriate to talk about in front of others.  He said he understood.
He didn’t.

Beep, Beep (at the answering service we had over 1000 different lines coming in – the phones didn’t ring – they beeped).

Me :     “Thank you for calling (company name), this is Kim, how may I help you?”

Marty : “Hi Snuggly (which is the pet name he came up with to try and make up for calling me a fuzzy kitty – he decided snuggly bunny worked better – which it totally didn’t)…..but I digress. ….

“Hi Snuggly – where’d you hide the stash?”

Me :  Frantically grabbing for the Y-connector that hooks my headset to my trainee’s headset and yanking it apart – I cringe and hiss “Marty!! I told you not to call me at work!!” I smile weakly and make an apologetic face to my trainee while turning toward the divider “WHAT do you want?!”

Marty :  brilliantly attempting to speak in “code”   “Uh I want to uhhhhh….make some toast, so I thought I’d ask you where you hid the bread – because uh I need to toast it………..cuz I like toast”

Me : “It’s just us on the line now.  You CANNOT call me about this at work!!  I’ve told you 100 times – and you know where things are because you are the one who used things last.”

Marty : “Oh – sorry – I forgot where it was……..oh yeah – I put it in the closet….sorry, Snuggly”  “Well, since I’m already talkin to ya – can you bring me home a 20 piece chicken nugget and a large fry?”

Me : “I’m going to kill you”

Marty : “And a couple of apple pies………yeah – hot apple pie”

THE COMIC GENIUS OF MY GRANDPA

13 Apr

My Grandpa had a heart attack sometime in the past week or so – he isn’t sure exactly when – all he knows is it was hard to breathe for several days and he was really tired.  We finally convinced him to go to the hospital and they admitted him. 
 
The following are things grandpa said in the hospital – most of these were during the admit process which literally involves more than 200 questions about every illness/problem he has ever had and his current condition/living situation.  People who know me wonder where I get my sick sense of humor and the tendency to make wisecracks……….after reading this you will know.

Nurse : “Are you able to make a fist? Can you touch the tips of your fingers together? Can you rotate your arms for me? etc…..”
Grandpa :  “I can scratch my pecker – does that count?”

Nurse : “Do you have any religious needs we can help you with?”
Grandpa :  “huh?” (looks at me for a translation)
Me : “She wants to know if you want to find Jesus, Grandpa”
Grandpa :  “No but I think I’m part jewish if you want to check” (lifts the blanket and gestures toward his crotch)

Nurse : “Do you wear hearing aids?”
Grandpa : “What?”
Nurse :  (louder) “Do you wear hearing aids?”
Grandpa : “What?” (smirking)
Me : “Grandpa! Knock it off! No – he doesn’t wear hearing aids”

Nurse :  “Have you ever had an STD?”
Grandpa : “Huh?” (looks at me)
Me :  “Have you ever had VD?”
Grandpa : “No but if you want to give me some I’ll take it – make it a redhead”

Nurse (on his first night of the hospital stay) :  “If you try to leave us and go to heaven tonight after your granddaughter leaves, do you want us to bring you back? Do you want us to shock your heart or intubate you to help you breathe?”
Grandpa : “Hell no”
Nurse : “Are you sure? Because that’s kind of what we do here at the hospital – we save people and bring them back when we can. What if we only needed to give you a little help breathing short-term?”
Grandpa :  (looks at me)
Me : “Don’t worry grandpa, if you are going to be on life support more than a few days I promise to smother you with a pillow”
Nurse : (gives me a look of alarm)
Grandpa : “OK – that works for me”
 
Nurse : “Who is your regular Dr.?”
Grandpa :  “I don’t have one”
Nurse : (looks at me for confirmation)
Me : “He doesn’t have one – he doesn’t go to the Dr.”
Nurse :  “When was the last time you saw a Dr.?”
Grandpa :  “About 4 years ago”
Nurse : “Why didn’t you continue to see your Dr? Was it a short-term illness?”
Grandpa :  “Well, I asked if he needed to see me again and he said he felt fine so I never went back.”
 
Nurse : “Can you give me a list of your current medications?”
Grandpa : “Nothing”
Nurse  : (looks at me for confirmation)
Me :  “He doesn’t take anything – he was prescribed blood pressure meds over 10 years ago and he took them briefly but never got them refilled”
Grandpa : “Threw ’em away – didn’t need ’em”
 
Nurse : “How is your eyesight? I see you wear glasses – are you able to read a newspaper?”
Grandpa :  “Yeah I can read Ok – but not without my testicles” (this is an old joke – he has always pretended to confuse the word spectacles with testicles to be funny – we thought this was hilarious when we were kids).

When the Dr. came to his room he leaned over to shake grandpa’s hand –                                                                                                                    Grandpa : “Who the hell are you?”
Dr. Stucky (the cardiologist) : “I’m Stucky – I’m your heart Dr., Mr. Pruett”
Grandpa : “Nice to meet you”
Dr. Stucky : “So are you a smoker?”
Grandpa : “Yep – 70 years”
Dr. Stucky :  “Are you thinking it’s time to quit?”
Grandpa : “Hell no. Well, I quit every day – then I start up again in an hour”
Dr. Stucky : “Do smoke cigarettes or cigars?”
Grandpa : “Marijuana”
Me : “Grandpa!! No, he doesn’t smoke marijuana – he doesn’t have the lung capacity – he smokes cigarettes”
 
Cafeteria delivery worker (young man in his late teens – very timid looking) :  “Here’s the ice cream you ordered, Mr. Pruett” (hands him a little cup of ice cream about the size of a snack-pack pudding cup).
Grandpa :  “You gotta be kidding – that ain’t big enough for a goddamn midget – now go back and bring me some damned ice cream”
Worker :  (speechless – looks shocked/uncomfortable) “Umm…….”
Me : “Thank you very much – we’ll order more if he still wants it later”
 
Nurse – asking what grandpa would like to drink with his meal : “Mr. Pruett, would you like milk or juice?”
Grandpa : “Milk”
Nurse  : “Do you drink 2% or skim? What’s your preference?”
Grandpa :  “White – from a goddamned cow”
Nurse : “OK, 2% it is”
 
This one happened at least 10 times during his stay and involved all kinds of staff including the Dr’s who visited – they had been giving Grandpa Lasix on a regular basis to help drain the fluid from his lungs and the rest of his body – his kidney function was very low and he was retaining a lot of fluid which contributed to his shortness of breath …………….
Staff member/Nurse/Dr.  : “How has the Lasix been working for you? Have you been losing a lot of fluids?” (gesturing toward the bedside urinal jug)
Grandpa : “Well, I been drinking lots of apple juice – can you fill this back up for me?” (holding up the urinal jug)  “And make sure it’s cold – I hate warm apple juice – it tastes like piss”
 
For an 82 year old man with a bad heart and stage 4 renal failure he still has his wits about him – I don’t think he will ever lose his ability to deliver one-liners when the opportunity arises.  I learned how to be a smart ass from him and how to take advantage of people who will believe anything you tell them. He taught me how to tease without being too mean about it, how to make myself and others laugh, how to use humor (yes, sometimes crude and inappropriate, but humor nonetheless) to turn conversations into games.  To use one of his favorite terms, he is one fart smeller (his version of “smart feller”). 

HB’s FanFic- Best review and expanded on response

23 Mar

So little know fact, I LOVE fan fiction. I read it so much, it is affectionately know around my house as mom’s crack. I also love to write, so after 3 years of reading everyone elses amzing stuff I decided to write my own. It’s Twilight fanfic, because I am…. I know, I know, a little bit of a Twihard. Go ahead and shake your head, I am proud of it!! Granted I prefer my vamps more on the Anne Rice, Buffy/Angel, VD side but I like another perspective cause guess what they aren’t real. Shocking I know. If they were, I think it would be hilarious if it turned out they actually did sparkle, lol.

Back to the topic. My story is called, That Doesn’t Happen in Real Life (TDHIRL). Bella Swan is not a huge fan of romantic comedies; nothing like that ever happens in real life… right? But what happens when Bella realizes that her life’s become a cliché’ romantic comedy, involving her and her best friend? Will she let it play out? http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7806761/1/That_Doesnt_happen_in_Real_Life

Our  wonderful Kimmie is so kind enough to read and proof for me, to which I am so greatful for. Especially since she is not a Twilight fan herself and just might throw up a little in her mouth when she hears about it. Although I told my readers that I am on a mission to convert her to at least kind of like it. I received one of my favorite reviews (see below) and I responded but then I thought about it later that I should have expanded it, so I did- which is what you will see below.

Review: new reader to your story..i wanted to wait until i reached the end to review
but then you dropped a crying vag and a magic peen and i couldn’t resist!
HAHAHA loving this story 🙂

Expanded Response: “I love your review, best ever. If you are lucky in the next couple ch I will drop a play tickle me.kitty or one finger vagina party” I don’t know about u but I hate a cryin vag. Its embarrassing when plp are like, what’s that noise ad u say, sorry my vag is crying. Then you hv to explain why- AWKWARD.”

Now while taking a tinkle (TMI?) and because I was still a tad off- who am I kidding, I’m always off, I thought I shld hv expanded on that-

Awkward because your explanation includes you not getting any sex in a while and then they apologize to you because that’s a really sad thing…since you are a prostitute.

Then you say, I would like to blame the economy, Obama, & prostitution not being  legal in this state but… I can’t. I got two words for ya…blue waffle. What’s that they ask, which is followed by a curious awkward silence cuz yeah, it sounds like a speciality waffle that has ice cream and sprinkles on top at Ihop but they are pretty sure it’s something sexual. You simply reply, it’s a career killer- then walk away.

Ooh I just thought of one for the magic penis.

“Hi my name is Candy. What’s yours?”
“Lucky Charms.”
“Lucky Charms?”
“Yeah, cuz just like the cereal, my penis is magically delicious.”

The things that run through my brain. I do have to say I feel much love from the FF community, they are amazing people!!