Archive | January, 2012

NEWS + COMMENTS = HILARITY

30 Jan

Ratnagiri, India, businessman Murad Mulla, 48, filed a complaint recently with the Maharashtra Medical Council after his surgeon used an outdated procedure to cure his urine-retention disorder. Previously, skin from the scrotum was routinely used for urethral repair, but current science recommends using skin from the mouth to avoid the worst-case risk, which Mulla apparently experienced. Specifically, the scrotum contains both hair-bearing tissue and non-hair-bearing tissue, and only the latter is usable. Evidently, Mullas’ surgeon used hair-bearing tissue, and as a result, Mulla’s urethra itches constantly, and he expels specks of pubic hair with his urine. [The Times of India, 12-8-2011]

So his pee-hole is all tangled with pubic hair on the inside? Gross!! But if they used the skin from his mouth, would he be able to taste his pee? I don’t know which is worse
________________________________________
Anthony Miranda, 24, was arrested and charged with armed robbery in December in Chicago after unknowingly choosing as his victim an “ultimate fighting” champion. The “victim” gave Miranda two black eyes and a heavily lacerated face, and, as Miranda drew his gun, overpowered him in such a way that Miranda wound up shooting himself in the ankle. [WLS Radio, 12-5-2011]

Hmmm……”Hey you – yeah I’m talking to you the juiced up gorilla with the Tapout tank, skull tattoos and scarred up face – gimme your wallet or I swear to god I’ll shoot……………myself in the foot

Parenting: Freemon Seay, 38, was arrested in Thurston County, Wash., in October on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after disciplining his 16-year-old daughter for leaving home without his approval. Seay allegedly forced the girl to suit up in armor and helmet, with a wooden sword, and to fight him (also in armor, with a wooden sword) for over two hours until she could no longer stand up. Seay’s wife (the girl’s stepmother) was booked as an accessory and was said by deputies to have been supportive of her husband’s “Renaissance fair” enthusiasm (which Freemon Seay called a “lifestyle”). [Bellingham Herald, 10-18-2011]

“En garde ye wretched tardy wench – ye knoweth the curfew bells toll upon the rising of the moon into the heavens yet ye still had thy booty shaking on the jig floor until well past dawn breaketh upon yon window. You must now duel for thy honor or face the remainder of a fortnight locked in the gallows with nary a connection to facebook or thy cellphone!”

In Malone, N.Y., in September, Clyde Gardner, 57, was sentenced to five to 15 years in prison for trying to murder his ex-girlfriend twice. Initially, he was going to dress in a recently skinned bear’s hide — walk on its paws, so as not to leave shoe prints, and “maul” her with the claws. After abandoning that plan, he promised a friend $15,000 to kill the woman in a car crash, and since Gardner was a demolition derby driver, he offered expert instructions (though the friend turned Gardner in). [Google News-AP, 9-30-2011]

The bear idea was a solid one until he figured out that he didn’t know what sound a bear makes – how can you be a convincing pelt-wearing bear impersonator without authentic sound effects? Plus – the fact that the bear pelt was too tight for Clyde who happens to weigh 550lbs would’ve been just too embarrassing. The giant can of aerosol bear spray he got her for Valentine’s Day last year was probably a factor as well.

Roy Griffith, 60, John Sanborn, 53, and Douglas Ward, 55, were arrested in Deerfield Township, Mich., in July and charged with stealing a 14-foot-long stuffed alligator from a barn, dragging it away with their truck, and using it to surf in the mud (“mudbogging”). When the gator’s owner tracked down the three nearby, they denied the theft and insisted that theirs is an altogether-different 14-foot-long stuffed alligator. (Ward’s blood-alcohol reading was 0.40.) [Flint Journal, 7-7-2011]

Seriously officer – this is a totally different stuffed gator – look you can see the missing tooth where it bit my uncle billy’s left testicle almost clean in two before Aunt Irma scared it into turning ‘im loose by jamming her good whittlin knife to the hilt in the critter’s pooper. Jeez – if you tried to arrest everyone mudboggin on a dead gator round here………… don’t you have some real crime to take care of – like when Walmart runs out of pig jerky and jack daniel’s scented candles?

In his signature performance art piece, John Jairo Villamil depicted both the excitement and danger of the city of Bogota, Colombia, by appearing on stage with a tightened garbage bag over his head and his feet in a bucket of water, holding a chain in one hand and a plant’s leaf in the other. At a May show at Bogota’s Universidad del Bosque, Villamil, 25, fussed with the tightened bag and soon collapsed to the floor, stirred a little, and then was motionless. The audience, likely having assumed that the collapse was part of the performance, did not immediately render assistance, and Villamil lost consciousness and died in a hospital five days later. [HispanicallySpeakingNews.com, 5-2-2011]

“And for my next act I will portray the suffering of one who has tragically inserted one’s cranium into one’s anal cavity……” Well honey, that was certainly interesting – you just don’t see performance art like that back in Winnestoga – by golly I think the poor fella must be just exhausted from all the excitement – he’s just resting so peacefully on the floor there – no, let’s not clap for him – let him sleep – the poor little foreign sissy. “

Skipper

26 Jan

SKIPPER
Barbie’s, stick figure, I’ll never get curves little sister.

It’s bad enough the poor girl shares the same name as a balding, white hair, middle-aged, pleasantly plump man. (B.T.W- you have to wonder what kinda food he found on the island and didn’t share cause in all 3 yrs and 1 T.V movie
later he was still quiet pleasantly plump. He couldn’t spare a few scraps for Gilligan. Look @ the poor man, you can snap him in half like a twig). Any who… there’s that and the fact that you know she is feeling the pressure to live up to the impossible standards of  her, look at me I’m an astronaut, doctor, race car drive, president, model, sister. Good for you Skipper for hanging in there all these years.

-HB

NEWS STORIES BEGGING FOR WITTY COMMENTARY

24 Jan

Israelis lately experience attacks not just from the outside but from its own ultra-Orthodox communities (about 10 percent of the country, and growing), whose activists have jeered and stoned “immodestly” dressed women and girls (as young as 6) on the street, defaced women’s images on billboards, forced illegal gender segregation in public facilities (including buses and sidewalks), and vandalized businesses that treat women as equals (such as one ice cream shop — since female customers lick the cones in public). An especially violent minority, the Sikrikim, employ some tactics reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan in America. [The Guardian (London), 11-15-2011; Reuters, 10-18-2011]

HB: So if I flash some elbow, does that count as “immodestly” dressed?  I know how tempting and sexy my knobby elbow can be. Quick, someone warn the Gyspys from TLC not to go to Israel! You can’t lick an ice cream cone!? Would you rather i just stuck the whole thing in my mouth at once? I smell a bra burning coming.

Each August in Urakawa, Japan, a “hallucination and delusion competition” takes place among visiting alcoholics and sufferers of mental disorders, who in principle are helped by bonding with fellow patients and revealing their failures and successes. The Bethel Festival, named for its sponsor, brings about 600 people together for on-stage presentations (sometimes in the form of song or dance) and awards a grand prize to a standout visitor (one year, to a woman who lived for four days in a public restroom after a voice in her head told her to, and in another year, to a man who had overcome a 35-year stretch of never straying more than two yards from his mother). (Some mental-disorder professionals believe the festival is too-easily mockable by insensitive outsiders.) [Mainichi Daily News, 9-9-2011]

HB: Can we get a contract to telivise this? Tell me that would not bring in ratings? That is a 100 times more entertaining, then watching some man/woman pick and diddle with a cattle call of attention seeking whores on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  How did I not know about this? How do they decide the prizes? Does the phrase, “because Jesus told me so”, get  you more points? Is there a sign up sheet or registration form I need to fill out? I am, depending on who you talk to, bat shit crazy so I would fit right in. I know where I’m going for my Fake 2nd Birthday!

How does an extortionist (or kidnapper) safely collect the money that has been dropped off for him? In July, police staking out a vacant field in Colerain Township, Ohio, after leaving the $22,000 ordered by alleged extortionist Frank Pence, waited for about an hour, but Pence failed to show. Then, one officer noticed the money slowly moving across the field and finally caught up to Pence, who was pulling a very, very long, partially concealed rope from a location a distance from the drop site. [Cincinnati.com, 10-21-2011]

HB: Was the rope already in place before the drop was made? If so, why did no one noticed a partially conceled rope that ran the length of the field when they put the money down? Next time he will know to use fishhing line and a look out to tell him if they had caught on so he could run.

Authorities in Washington County, Ore., said in October that they would not file charges against a very weird 21-year-old woman who had felt compelled, as a tribute to her horse that had just died of old age, to get naked and climb inside the horse’s carcass, to “feel one” with it. Her boyfriend recorded the extremely bloody adventure with numerous photographs (many showing her smiling joyously), which made their way onto the Internet and available to any viewers with strong stomachs. Said Deputy Sgt. Dave Thompson: “At some point in your career, you say, yeah, I’ve seen a lot of bad stuff (and) you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven’t seen everything.” [KOIN-TV (Portland), 10-27-2011]

HB: Ummm…sorry I was trying to picture this in my head. So if she had taken a bloody carcass bath in someone elses horse, would they have then pressed charges? Her only problem is that she let her boyfriend leak them on the internet. Now she knows, being one with your horse by taking a bloody carcass bath pictures are kinda like taking  photos of your naughty bits for your bf/gf; they are for their/your eyes only. Lessoned learned. The boyfriend’s lesson, keep that to yourself, you never know when you’ll need some blackmail material. That makes me wonder what she’ll do if/when her bf dies of “just old age”?

A lawyer’s first rule of cross-examination is to never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to, but criminal defendants who act as their own lawyers typically do not get that memo. Philome Cesar, charged with about 25 robberies in the Allentown, Pa., area, began questioning his alleged victims at his trial in November. Please describe, he asked the first, what the robber sounded like. Answered victim Daryl Evans, “He sounded like you.” After Cesar asked a second victim the same question and received the same answer, he decided to stop cross-examining the victims. (He was convicted of 19 counts.) [Morning Call (Allentown), 11-15-2011; Express-Times (Easton, Pa.), 11-18-2011]

HB: As his mama yells at him after slapping him upside the head- “I told you to use one of those fancy accents when you asked that question.”

In New Braunfels, Texas, in November (2005), Robert Villarreal, 34, was sentenced to 50 years in prison after he sold drugs to the same undercover officer for the third time in a 14-year period. He had actually argued “entrapment,” claiming that for the first sale, in 1988, he was so young (age 18) that he shouldn’t be expected to remember later what the officer looked like. [New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung, 11-3-05]

HB: He totally pulled a Superman/Clark Kent. He had glasses on!!! How I’m supposed to recogonize him then.

 In what a cement company executive said is “one of those bureaucratic things that doesn’t make any sense,” the city of Detroit recently built wheelchair ramps at 13 intersections along Grandy Street, despite knowing that those ramps are either not connected to sidewalks or connected to seldom-used, badly crumbling sidewalks. The ramps were required by a 2006 lawsuit settlement in which Detroit pledged to build ramps on any street that gets re-paved, as Grandy was. (No one in city government thought, apparently, to attempt a trade of these 13 intersections for paving 13 more-widely used ones in the city.) [Detroit News, 10-28-2011]

HB: It’s the government, we waste money. It’s just what we do. You would think people would get that by now.

Veteran New York City performance artist Marni Kotak, 36, gave birth to her first child, Ajax, on Oct. 25 — and that was her “art,” as the birth took place at the Microscope Gallery in Brooklyn, N.Y., after Kotak had moved into the space two weeks earlier to interact with visitors. Previously, Kotak had “re-enacted,” as her “art,” both her own birth and the loss of her virginity in the back seat of a car. (A New York Times report suggested that Kotak may not be the most extreme performer in her family. Her artist-husband, Jason Martin, makes videos in which he dresses as a wolf or dog and “conducts seance-like rituals intended to contact the half-animal, half-human creatures that visited him in dreams as a child.”) [New York Post, 10-8-2011; New York Times, 10-30-2011]

HB: First off, those must some awesome drugs they are on. Unless you painted a picture of the New York sky line at dawn with all emniotic fluid during and put the final touches on it with the after birth, all while pushing out this kid-it’s not art. Even then it’s more of a taboo talent. When doing her own birth, did she come out of a paer mache’ vagina? Was there another person present at the loss of her V card or were there more paper mache’ naughty bits?

A man unnamed in a news story was charged on July 24 with resisting arrest (for trespassing) by failing to put his hands behind his back. According to the Destin, Fla., police report, the man explained, “I can’t put my hands behind my back because I’m making a bowel movement (in my pants).” (According to the report, that was true.) [Northwest Florida Daily News, 8-10-2011]

HB: Really, you’re shitting your pants? Ok, then you’re free to go. I ain’t riding with that.

Recent Alarming Headlines

“Maine Woman Loses Lawsuit Over Removal of Husband’s Brain” (Bangor Daily News, 9-26-2011). “Condoms Rushed to Thai Flood Victims” (Agence France-Presse, 10-5-2011). “Killer Sharks Invade Golf Course in Australia” (Sky News [London], 10-9-2011). “Lingerie Football League Wants to Start a Youth League” (King5.com [KING-TV, Seattle], 10-20-2011). “Man Uncooperative After Being Stabbed in Scrotum With Hypodermic Needle” (Wichita Eagle, 10-10-2011).  Really? Being stabbed in the balls with a needle is hardly cause to be uncooperative – in situations like this it’s always good to pretend your British in order to maintain your cooperation and politeness “Excuse me but I believe your hypodermic needle has become lodged in my scrotal tissue – would you be a chap and kindly remove it?”

THE RETURN OF MY TV SIGNAL AND THE WILL TO LIVE……….

23 Jan

After much hand-wringing and agonizing over the loss of my TV signal last week I am happy to report that I made it through the weekend and everything is back to normal now (I use the term “normal” loosely here and only as it is relevant to the subject at hand). The problem was confirmed to be snow – as in, the dish seems to be created specifically for the sole purpose of collecting snow.

I called the place that installed the dish (the local guys not the ones with the call center in Hajministan or wherever) and explained my crisis to them Friday after I got home from work – the gal who answered had the audacity to laugh when I asked what the timeline would be for them to come out and clear the “obstruction” from my dish – she said (and I quote) “Ummm we don’t do that – you would need to call a roofing snow removal service to do that.” When I told her that her guys are the ones who put the dish 30 feet up in a spot where it is impossible to reach without a helicopter, she said that the location was the “homeowners decision at the time of installation” – WTF? They did not consult me when they installed it – and if they had I certainly wouldn’t have known to say “Put it where I can reach it because if it fills up with snow and I Iose my TV signal I will have to kill myself”.

My dad’s suggestion was to get 3 ten foot sections of 1 inch PVC pipe – connected with couplers (then he explained what a coupler was) and put a 90 degree elbow on one end with the end of a broom attached, then ease it up the side of the house until the pole was near the dish then edge it out over the eave of the roof and carefully brush the snow off. He said this would be a 2 man job (no kidding?) and that I would need to be super careful not to move the dish itself for fear of knocking it out of alignment. I think he was just fucking with me trying to see if I would actually go to Home Depot and explain this little project to the employee who might take pity on me after watching me stand in the “PVC” dept for 45 minutes with a confused look on my face while attempting to “couple” different sizes of plastic pipe together. Do I need to mention that I was supposed to manage this in knee-deep snow? I can see me and my brother-in-law holding that long-ass pipe from across the street and trying to aim it up the side of the house and not stab the end of it into the ground like 2 javelin contestants in the Darwin Award Olympics.

Luckily the temperature warmed up enough on Saturday to melt the snow and no further measures had to be taken. This does not mean that it won’t happen again the next time it snows – which it is supposed to do off and on all week. In preparation for another signal loss I spent a lot of time searching every hour of the channel guide for shows to tape so I could increase my stockpile and use up every minute of available space. I’m also still considering calling the minions of the Dark Lord (Comcast) to come and hook me up to their extremely expensive cable-morphine drip in order to avoid future problems like this – but, like all problems that come & go – it’s easy to ignore until the next incident…………..

K

IDEAS FOR THE OFFICE TALENT SHOW

20 Jan

I was approached today to participate and help plan an office talent show. I am not the “talent show” type – I really have very few talents that can be shared with the general public or my co-workers without fear of being fired on the spot and/or being arrested for lewd and disgusting behavior. The person who came up with this “wonderful” idea would not take “no” for an answer and proceeded to beg and wheedle me until I said “I’ll consider it”. So – in the spirit of “considering” I came up with a few ideas off the top of my head for what I could do.

Talent ideas :

• Spelling – people could yell out words and I would spell them
• Live hunting demo with my cats and real mice who get tortured, flung into the air, then murdered
• Hi my name is Chubby routine
• Sarcasm
• Mocking
• Eye Rolling
• Talking about podcasts & audio books
• Stories of crossdressing Cuddle fishes and how they are better than people
• Describing episodes of Southpark and how much I love Eric Cartman
• Judge Judy-esque talent judging while others perform
• Witch fingers and witch toes demonstration (I’m double-jointed)
• Puking up my lunch on command in slow motion controlled mouthfuls then re-chewing/swallowing (seriously I’ve watched myself in the mirror before and it’s Kris-Angel style magic)
• Swallowing large #’s of pills at the same time (the audience could put any pills they have on them in a bowl and I would swallow them all no matter how many)
• Talking about which places in Spokane have the best chicken strips and why
• Sticking an entire Q-tip up my nose so it disappears
• Popping people’s toes
• Rapping Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys
• Texting while driving and other supposedly dangerous driving habits
• Mean tricks my Grandpa taught me (knife, puddle, towel & smoky eyes) also wacky songs and stories like the Mile-a-more bird and the Woodpecker who pecked on the Schoolhouse door
• Dissertation on shopping online
• Family redneck stories
• Marty stories (Marty was my first live-in boyfriend and is famous for his naïve ignorance of just about everything – such as how to order pizza and how not to drop a 100lb bale of hay on my father’s head from the back of a truck)

I am open to other suggestions – just make sure it doesn’t involve anything requiring actual “talent” and remember this will supposedly be done in front of all the people I work with.-HB

I think you should paint a pictures with the giant paint brushes you have attached to your chest. We could put a screen up so they can only see your shadow while you paint.

THE OLDIES BUT GOODIES SURVIAL GUIDE

20 Jan

So a couple years ago I went on a trip in which I spent four and a half “fun” filled days with the 65 and over crowd. There were very few almost miniscule moments where I actually got to converse with people closer to my age bracket. Please make note that all the people I spent time with are people that I love very much but no matter how much of an “old soul” I am there is still a very large, canyon size, generational gap that can not be avoided. So what did I do to keep my mind from going even more crazy than it already is, I spent those four days doing one of the things I do best, I observed. I decided that I would compile my observations into sort of a guide on how to survive the oldies but the goodies generation. In it you will find things you should be prepared for such as, topics of conversations, smells, and when would be a good time to either block the conversation out or go to your happy place, or put in your ear buds and turn up your iPod cause some things you really just don’t need to know. I will also give you advice on things you should learn to do before you venture in this quest and also some packing tips.

Topics of discussion:
1. Have you ever wondered what kind of nuts you can and cannot chew with your false teeth? No, well, you will found out. Apparently cashew are softer than most, therefore easier to chew. TIP: Put on your, To Do When Old list: Stock up on cashews.

2. Casino, Casino, Casino, Casino. Two hours later, more casino. This is what the old people are doing these days. It’s the IT thing for the 65 and older crowd. There is no better time spent than in front of a slot machine pushing a button hoping to hit it big. If you are slightly interested in gambling then you should probably should bring a pad and pen along because you will be learning how to get to various casinos, which machines to play and not to play, which casino pays out more, which casino are you going to lose all your money at, how to get back home from various casinos, the best times to go to the casino, and which casinos have the best and cheapest buffets. You will also be privileged in knowing about all the times they have won money and exactly how much they won. Apparently once you hit a certain age your DNA mutates and adds the “I gotta gamble” gene. But I don’t like to gamble you say. Doesn’t matter, once you hit a certain age, you have no choice.

3. One word- Arthritis.

4. Here’s another “pen and pad” situation. Have you thought to yourself, “Gee I wonder what meds/vitamins Gram is on?” then it’s your lucky day!! Not only will you find out what meds/vitamins they are taking currently, but you will also find out what meds/vitamins they used to take. Just when you thought they have talked enough about medication, think again my friends. You will also learn about each side effect they got for certain meds and advice on what meds/vitamins you should be taking as well. Folic acid, good for nausea. TIP: Some of the side effects can get pretty descriptive; this would be an excellent time for happy place or iPod.

5. Awww the good old days!!!! You will most likely find out things you never knew or would expect to hear about your elders. Mine, happened to be quite the wild and crazy bunch. Please make note, you will hear these stories more then once!!!! TIP: To handle hearing stories multiple times and not hurting feelings just pretend you’ve never heard it before half zone out, paste on that fake smile, nod a few times, and says uh huh, really, huh.
6. Kids these days, is a huge discussion, so be prepared to answer questions and defend your generations wardrobe, music, hair styles, the phrases and words we use, etc…

7. TV today is crap! Or it is to them anyway. TIP: Don’t get sucked into defending your favorite mind polluting TV shows, they will never get it!!!

8. What the price of bread used to be. $0 .14 if you were curious.

9. People who died and when they died. Frankly I don’t want to here about death. Nor am I anywhere near ready to walk towards the light. I guess when everyone around you starts dying and you think you are close yourself,  you think about it a lot and feel comfortable talking about it just the same as what you ate for lunch, I don’t know. Personally, I hope to have many, many years ahead of me and would rather not think about dying.

Warnings:

1. Sleeping in means your ass is up between the hours of 7-8 am. NO LATER!!!!

2. They are all very good drivers, at least that’s what they tell each other. In all reality, most of them should PARK IT or are very close to PARKING IT. What’s that noise? IT”S THE RUMBLE STRIPS!!!!!!!!!! The worse thing you can do is get in a car with them while driving on the freeways and highways that have a lot of traffic. OMG! OMG! OMG!!, is what you will be screaming. If you ever want to know what a semi looks like up close while driving at high speeds, trust me you WILL find out. TIP: You have 3 options. 1) Don’t get a car with them ever. 2) You drive. Beg, Plead, or demand but do not let them drive. 3) Ride shot gun holding on for dear life! If you chose option 3 you have some more decisions to make. A) Close your eyes B) take a valium, maybe two. C) Smoke something medicinal D) maybe you like danger, living on the edge is your thing. In that case, enjoy the ride.

3. You will have to yell BLINKER a lot. They use it but they can’t hear it if it’s still going.

4. Old People smell. Why is it that every old person and their homes smell a variation of the same stinky smell? I don’t recall seeing a Glade air freshener scent of vitamins, medications, and ointment.

5. When conversing with your elders you are gonna have to do one or all of these three things. 1) Repeat, repeat, repeat. 2) Talk really loud. Use your outside voice. 3) Talk to them in their good ear.

6. During daylight hours the TV is only programmed to view channels with news, stocks, baseball, golf, and the occasional Golden Girls episode. (Those old broads are kinda funny though) In order to watch some of you favorite crap you will have to wait until they fall asleep. TIP: If you have a portable DVD player, bring it.


7. Your evening are gonna consist of A LOT of wild and crazy card games such as knock rummy or pinochle. TIP: Just roll with it. They go to bed before 10 anyway.

8. They like to go for really, really, really long drives with no music. TIP: iPod!!!!! If you get car sick like I do, lot’s of Dramamine.

9. The blow their noses a lot!!!. They have Kleenex everywhere!! They have box or single pieces strategically place all throughout them. Some times it seems like they pull it out of no where, like the magic trick your weird Uncle did to you with the quarter behind your ear.

So there you have, your mini survival guide on what to expect when spending long periods of time with people 65 and over. This will also be helpful for those about to be welcomed into this age group. You can take it, run with, and become one of them or you can be an innovator and change it!!!! Light nice smelly candles, broaden your T.V. watching horizons, take public transportation (good for the environment), ladies, you don’t have to cut all you hair off find a medium to long style that works for you.

NO TV SIGNAL FOR KIMMY!!

20 Jan

To my friends and loved ones………..
01/18/12 7:34PM
I know you’re all probably wondering if I came home to a TV signal tonight after my 48 minute drive home (snow – roads – morons – you get the picture).
Well – brace yourself because I DON’T HAVE TV!!! My screen says “TOTAL SIGNAL LOSS – check for obstructions such as tree branches or SNOW – if it’s safe, clear the obstruction then unplug your receiver for 10 seconds to reset”. So I unplugged it, counted to ten and when I turned it back on it said “Acquiring Signal – this should not take more than 5 minutes to complete” it has said this for over 30 minutes now – umm… Hello? Isn’t there a timer built in on their end to change the message on the screen to “Well shit – it’s taking a lot longer than 5 minutes – this probably means you have no chance in hell of getting a signal until April – however we will still be charging you for the privilege of not having service because our boat payments still need to be made.”

1) We don’t have that much snow – certainly not enough to warrant a TOTAL SIGNAL LOSS
2) No way in hell am I climbing up on the roof to “clear” the obstruction – whoever wrote that suggestion clearly smoked too much dope in satellite dish college
3) They BETTER figure out a better way to fix this issue or my business is going to Satan’s gatekeepers (Comcast) who run their cables UNDER the ground

4) Dish Network is LUCKY that I always keep at least 100+ hours of DVR programs on reserve to get me through a possible TV famine. I counted and I have 140 saved shows/episodes. My only regret is that I still have 26 hours of blank space leftover that I could’ve filled with more emergency shows if only I had known what a piece of shit their stupid dish is.

So – yes, there is more than enough reason to worry – you people of faith might want to pray for me to be saved from this unholy nightmare – however I will do my best to persevere and make it through this difficult time. I will keep everyone posted on my signal status. Thank you for your understanding and sympathy.

Love,

Kim Sue