20 Jan

I was approached today to participate and help plan an office talent show. I am not the “talent show” type – I really have very few talents that can be shared with the general public or my co-workers without fear of being fired on the spot and/or being arrested for lewd and disgusting behavior. The person who came up with this “wonderful” idea would not take “no” for an answer and proceeded to beg and wheedle me until I said “I’ll consider it”. So – in the spirit of “considering” I came up with a few ideas off the top of my head for what I could do.

Talent ideas :

• Spelling – people could yell out words and I would spell them
• Live hunting demo with my cats and real mice who get tortured, flung into the air, then murdered
• Hi my name is Chubby routine
• Sarcasm
• Mocking
• Eye Rolling
• Talking about podcasts & audio books
• Stories of crossdressing Cuddle fishes and how they are better than people
• Describing episodes of Southpark and how much I love Eric Cartman
• Judge Judy-esque talent judging while others perform
• Witch fingers and witch toes demonstration (I’m double-jointed)
• Puking up my lunch on command in slow motion controlled mouthfuls then re-chewing/swallowing (seriously I’ve watched myself in the mirror before and it’s Kris-Angel style magic)
• Swallowing large #’s of pills at the same time (the audience could put any pills they have on them in a bowl and I would swallow them all no matter how many)
• Talking about which places in Spokane have the best chicken strips and why
• Sticking an entire Q-tip up my nose so it disappears
• Popping people’s toes
• Rapping Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys
• Texting while driving and other supposedly dangerous driving habits
• Mean tricks my Grandpa taught me (knife, puddle, towel & smoky eyes) also wacky songs and stories like the Mile-a-more bird and the Woodpecker who pecked on the Schoolhouse door
• Dissertation on shopping online
• Family redneck stories
• Marty stories (Marty was my first live-in boyfriend and is famous for his naïve ignorance of just about everything – such as how to order pizza and how not to drop a 100lb bale of hay on my father’s head from the back of a truck)

I am open to other suggestions – just make sure it doesn’t involve anything requiring actual “talent” and remember this will supposedly be done in front of all the people I work with.-HB

I think you should paint a pictures with the giant paint brushes you have attached to your chest. We could put a screen up so they can only see your shadow while you paint.


Please - share your brilliant commentary

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: