THE RETURN OF MY TV SIGNAL AND THE WILL TO LIVE……….

23 Jan

After much hand-wringing and agonizing over the loss of my TV signal last week I am happy to report that I made it through the weekend and everything is back to normal now (I use the term “normal” loosely here and only as it is relevant to the subject at hand). The problem was confirmed to be snow – as in, the dish seems to be created specifically for the sole purpose of collecting snow.

I called the place that installed the dish (the local guys not the ones with the call center in Hajministan or wherever) and explained my crisis to them Friday after I got home from work – the gal who answered had the audacity to laugh when I asked what the timeline would be for them to come out and clear the “obstruction” from my dish – she said (and I quote) “Ummm we don’t do that – you would need to call a roofing snow removal service to do that.” When I told her that her guys are the ones who put the dish 30 feet up in a spot where it is impossible to reach without a helicopter, she said that the location was the “homeowners decision at the time of installation” – WTF? They did not consult me when they installed it – and if they had I certainly wouldn’t have known to say “Put it where I can reach it because if it fills up with snow and I Iose my TV signal I will have to kill myself”.

My dad’s suggestion was to get 3 ten foot sections of 1 inch PVC pipe – connected with couplers (then he explained what a coupler was) and put a 90 degree elbow on one end with the end of a broom attached, then ease it up the side of the house until the pole was near the dish then edge it out over the eave of the roof and carefully brush the snow off. He said this would be a 2 man job (no kidding?) and that I would need to be super careful not to move the dish itself for fear of knocking it out of alignment. I think he was just fucking with me trying to see if I would actually go to Home Depot and explain this little project to the employee who might take pity on me after watching me stand in the “PVC” dept for 45 minutes with a confused look on my face while attempting to “couple” different sizes of plastic pipe together. Do I need to mention that I was supposed to manage this in knee-deep snow? I can see me and my brother-in-law holding that long-ass pipe from across the street and trying to aim it up the side of the house and not stab the end of it into the ground like 2 javelin contestants in the Darwin Award Olympics.

Luckily the temperature warmed up enough on Saturday to melt the snow and no further measures had to be taken. This does not mean that it won’t happen again the next time it snows – which it is supposed to do off and on all week. In preparation for another signal loss I spent a lot of time searching every hour of the channel guide for shows to tape so I could increase my stockpile and use up every minute of available space. I’m also still considering calling the minions of the Dark Lord (Comcast) to come and hook me up to their extremely expensive cable-morphine drip in order to avoid future problems like this – but, like all problems that come & go – it’s easy to ignore until the next incident…………..

K

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