NEWS + COMMENTS = HILARITY

30 Jan

Ratnagiri, India, businessman Murad Mulla, 48, filed a complaint recently with the Maharashtra Medical Council after his surgeon used an outdated procedure to cure his urine-retention disorder. Previously, skin from the scrotum was routinely used for urethral repair, but current science recommends using skin from the mouth to avoid the worst-case risk, which Mulla apparently experienced. Specifically, the scrotum contains both hair-bearing tissue and non-hair-bearing tissue, and only the latter is usable. Evidently, Mullas’ surgeon used hair-bearing tissue, and as a result, Mulla’s urethra itches constantly, and he expels specks of pubic hair with his urine. [The Times of India, 12-8-2011]

So his pee-hole is all tangled with pubic hair on the inside? Gross!! But if they used the skin from his mouth, would he be able to taste his pee? I don’t know which is worse
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Anthony Miranda, 24, was arrested and charged with armed robbery in December in Chicago after unknowingly choosing as his victim an “ultimate fighting” champion. The “victim” gave Miranda two black eyes and a heavily lacerated face, and, as Miranda drew his gun, overpowered him in such a way that Miranda wound up shooting himself in the ankle. [WLS Radio, 12-5-2011]

Hmmm……”Hey you – yeah I’m talking to you the juiced up gorilla with the Tapout tank, skull tattoos and scarred up face – gimme your wallet or I swear to god I’ll shoot……………myself in the foot

Parenting: Freemon Seay, 38, was arrested in Thurston County, Wash., in October on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after disciplining his 16-year-old daughter for leaving home without his approval. Seay allegedly forced the girl to suit up in armor and helmet, with a wooden sword, and to fight him (also in armor, with a wooden sword) for over two hours until she could no longer stand up. Seay’s wife (the girl’s stepmother) was booked as an accessory and was said by deputies to have been supportive of her husband’s “Renaissance fair” enthusiasm (which Freemon Seay called a “lifestyle”). [Bellingham Herald, 10-18-2011]

“En garde ye wretched tardy wench – ye knoweth the curfew bells toll upon the rising of the moon into the heavens yet ye still had thy booty shaking on the jig floor until well past dawn breaketh upon yon window. You must now duel for thy honor or face the remainder of a fortnight locked in the gallows with nary a connection to facebook or thy cellphone!”

In Malone, N.Y., in September, Clyde Gardner, 57, was sentenced to five to 15 years in prison for trying to murder his ex-girlfriend twice. Initially, he was going to dress in a recently skinned bear’s hide — walk on its paws, so as not to leave shoe prints, and “maul” her with the claws. After abandoning that plan, he promised a friend $15,000 to kill the woman in a car crash, and since Gardner was a demolition derby driver, he offered expert instructions (though the friend turned Gardner in). [Google News-AP, 9-30-2011]

The bear idea was a solid one until he figured out that he didn’t know what sound a bear makes – how can you be a convincing pelt-wearing bear impersonator without authentic sound effects? Plus – the fact that the bear pelt was too tight for Clyde who happens to weigh 550lbs would’ve been just too embarrassing. The giant can of aerosol bear spray he got her for Valentine’s Day last year was probably a factor as well.

Roy Griffith, 60, John Sanborn, 53, and Douglas Ward, 55, were arrested in Deerfield Township, Mich., in July and charged with stealing a 14-foot-long stuffed alligator from a barn, dragging it away with their truck, and using it to surf in the mud (“mudbogging”). When the gator’s owner tracked down the three nearby, they denied the theft and insisted that theirs is an altogether-different 14-foot-long stuffed alligator. (Ward’s blood-alcohol reading was 0.40.) [Flint Journal, 7-7-2011]

Seriously officer – this is a totally different stuffed gator – look you can see the missing tooth where it bit my uncle billy’s left testicle almost clean in two before Aunt Irma scared it into turning ‘im loose by jamming her good whittlin knife to the hilt in the critter’s pooper. Jeez – if you tried to arrest everyone mudboggin on a dead gator round here………… don’t you have some real crime to take care of – like when Walmart runs out of pig jerky and jack daniel’s scented candles?

In his signature performance art piece, John Jairo Villamil depicted both the excitement and danger of the city of Bogota, Colombia, by appearing on stage with a tightened garbage bag over his head and his feet in a bucket of water, holding a chain in one hand and a plant’s leaf in the other. At a May show at Bogota’s Universidad del Bosque, Villamil, 25, fussed with the tightened bag and soon collapsed to the floor, stirred a little, and then was motionless. The audience, likely having assumed that the collapse was part of the performance, did not immediately render assistance, and Villamil lost consciousness and died in a hospital five days later. [HispanicallySpeakingNews.com, 5-2-2011]

“And for my next act I will portray the suffering of one who has tragically inserted one’s cranium into one’s anal cavity……” Well honey, that was certainly interesting – you just don’t see performance art like that back in Winnestoga – by golly I think the poor fella must be just exhausted from all the excitement – he’s just resting so peacefully on the floor there – no, let’s not clap for him – let him sleep – the poor little foreign sissy. “

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