Archive | February, 2012

Bonita Wood-Alope and The Ripper

28 Feb


Jack the Ripper-alope and Bonita Woodalope are sexy badass jackalopes with attitude – they are definitely going to battle each other – the winner gets to be on top – then they will mate like wild dogs (they like to do it dirty) and their babies will be bloodthirsty magical animal hybrids with razor sharp antlers!


Jackalope convo amongst friends

28 Feb

Kimmie: His name is The Ripper

HB: Good name- he looks all sweet and innocent but really he’ll rip your ass apart.

Kimmie: Exactly: Jackalope the Ripper will gut you like a trout.

HB: I’d like to say Bonita only looks mean and  really, she is sweet as pie…she”s not. She will fuck a Bitch up.

Kimmie:I’ve already fashioned a necklace for him- it goes with his fur and makes him appear laid back and totally not a rabbicidal maniac or bunnicidal maniac.

HB: Awesome, Bontita needs something too…just need to think

Kimmmie: She needs bling-I have something for her.

HB: Does it say- touch my cupcakes and I cut you. BITCH! Have a nice day

Kimmie: Nope, but it’s diamonds.

Kimmie: You can make her a tiny painted sign.

HB: Well any well respected bitch from the ghetto of Timbucktoo, needs diamonds.

HB: I plan on doing photos tonight.

Kimmie: LOL! I want to take him home to pet and admire but I know he would get in a fight with Jethro

HB: I need at least 3 more of these. A litter- perhaps Bonita and JR can mate.

Kimmie: Yes! They can have baby giraffes and little fox friends too.

HB:Cause jackalopes are magical and they can reproduce any animal in the world.

If you read our blog, you will know we have wanted, , needed a jackalope. Imagine our excitement when we saw them at the store we were at, sold them!! It was like Christmas day, Easter, and our birthday’s wrapped in one. Even better, to where we were screaming like a 13 yr old seeing Justin Bieber, we saw jackalope heads HANGING ON THE WALL!!!!! We both immediately started texting family to let them know we have found them. I have now started a campaign to receive a wall mount jackalope as my 30th birthday present. It believe that it has magical powers that will make me feel better about turning 30.



KIMMIE  :  It was truly magical – my heart made a silent “squeee” sound when I spotted the mini-jackalope display on the shelf – I thought I was going to die with joy………..AND THEN I SPOTTED THE BIG ONES MOUNTED ON THE WALL and I had to contain myself for fear of having a “Price-is-Right OMG i’ts a NEW CAR” moment.  I was like “AH!!! LOOK TAMI – THEY HAVE THE BIG ONES ON THE WALL!!!” and we grabbed each other and made happy noises and murmured “We totally need one – I have to have one – I’m getting one – someone needs to buy me one of those” under our breaths while walking out of the store and texting our families frantically to alert them that jackalopes have been spotted in Spokane.

We had to buy ourselves the mini jackalopes to satisfy our lope-lust enough to get out of the store – there was no way we would have made it back to work otherwise.  Our co-workers ranged from slightly amused to bewildered and frightened of our joyful showing off of the jackalopes – nobody gets it like me and HB – they don’t understand the magic of the alopes.  I think it’s a good social test to find out if someone is cool or not – just ask “Jackalope – totally awesome – yes or no?”  If they don’t say yes immediately they are lame and won’t get most of our jokes.


28 Feb

We are pleased to introduce Jack the Ripper-Alope and Bonita Wood-Alope

I’m gonna die young

26 Feb

Sitting on the couch watching T.V. with James:

James:”I’m gonna die young,,.”

He says this still watching T.V. His tone was completely serious and his faced was expressionless. Immediately I turned my head to look at him. Why was he thinking about his death? Should I be worried? A parent never want s to think about their children dying before them. Before I could say anything he says, still straight faced.

James: “…of pure awesomeness.”

I shake my head and start laughing. That is something my son would say.

James: ” I’m not gonna die of old age. No harm will come to my body. I won’t get sick. Oh no, I will exude so much awesomeness that my body won’t be able to contain it and it will just give out.”

I have to say my favorite thing about this was the straight face and seriousness he managed to sustain.



The Marty Chronicles …. Episode 1 – My First Valentine’s Day With Marty

24 Feb
About 2 months after we started dating our first Valentine’s day arrived.
I was SO excited that I was finally going to have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day – that had never happened before.  Add that to the fact that I was a 22 year old girl with the silly hope of experiencing the mushy romanticized version of Valentine’s Day that I had built up in my mind all my life – you know, the roses, the card, the candlelit dinner, the declarations of undying love………

I thought about it and planned for weeks – I made him a heart shaped cake and picked out the perfect card – I had gotten some photo booth pictures of me blowing kisses and making sexy faces to give him for his wallet so he could look at them whenever he thought of me (which I figured would be like, 10 times a day at the very least).

We sat down on my bed to exchange gifts – I gave him mine first – he seemed to like the card and the photos just fine – he didn’t swoon or anything but that was OK – it was really his gift to me that was of major importance that day.

He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands.  He put something in my hand (OMG – it was small – was it jewelry?!!! my heart jumped)  and told me to open my eyes.  I looked down – it was a small clear plastic envelope with…………..white powder in it……..I was confused – I asked him what it was – he said (enthusiastically) “IT’S COKE!”  I blinked and processed this………where was my card? Where were the flowers? He got me cocaine?!!  What kind of romantic gift was that supposed to be?!!! I was a pot smoker but I had never done cocaine nor had I ever mentioned a desire to do it!  I was dumbfounded……..then I was crushed…….

I tried my best to hold back the tears and not freak out on him but I communicated my disappointment and he must’ve gotten the picture because he quickly put it away and told me he was sorry and hugged me.  Then he turned my head toward his and reached up as if to brush a tear from my cheek – only he brushed my upper lip with his finger instead and said

Marty : “Aww, I’m sorry I screwed up – I don’t want you to be sad – you’re my fuzzy little kitty”.

Me : Umm…what?  “Your fuzzy kitty? – What do you mean? How am I fuzzy? Is that your pet name for me?”

He smiled and touched my lip again and said “Because you have a cute little fuzzy mustache……”

!!! What?!!! OMG! That is NOT something you say to an overweight insecure girl who had not yet realized (until the next day upon closer horrified inspection) that she might need to bleach the fine hairs on her upper lip! He might as well have called me his pudgy little piglet!!

I don’t remember much about the night after that – I’m pretty sure it consisted of me trying not to have a crying meltdown and him trying to dig himself back out of the giant crater he’d drilled for himself.
Suffice it to say guys, Do NOT buy your girlfriend hard drugs for Valentine’s Day – and DO NOT point out that she has a slight mustache – go with the card and the flowers instead!

The Marty Chronicles……….. INTRO

24 Feb
INTRO :  When I was 22 I met my first long-term boyfriend.  His name was Marty and he was 26 – we had a one-night stand that turned into a 5 year relationship.
I was Marty’s first “real” girlfriend – before me he had only had sex with  a couple of girls (one of whom was a hooker when he was 21 and in the marines) but he’d never gone “steady” with anyone.  I’d had a few short-term boyfriends but only 1 of them was serious enough to involve the “L word” and that was in my senior year of high school.
Marty was a sweetheart and an all-around good guy – he treated me well and we had so much fun together. We had a lot in common…….. especially when it came to wanting someone who wanted us back – we wanted to find love and we found it in each other.  Blinded by love, I didn’t really pay much attention to the fact that he was extremely naïve and not the sharpest tool in the shed – however, even if I had realized it at the time I doubt it would’ve changed anything.
Marty started smoking pot when he was 12 and never stopped – and he fit the stereotype of a stoner to a T.  To put it nicely – he was a loveable doofus – a hardworking doofus, a gentle doofus, a funny and charming doofus, a doofus with the best of intentions.
The stories I am going to post about Marty and things that happened in our relationship are 100% true although the sequence of events may be out of order.  I am writing this not to humiliate him or cause him harm – we parted as friends and I will always think of him fondly – but it’s been more than 15 years since we’ve had any contact so I think it’s OK for me to share my experiences now.

On the internet looking at boobs

16 Feb

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: On the interneet looking at boobs.

Look down and realize I hit mom instead of friend on my phone.

Me: Nevermind last txt, it was a joke, totally not 4 u (to mom)

Cell phone rings, Mom calling

Mom: Ummm, what the heck is going on? What was that about?

Me: Hit the wrong person, didn’t mean to txt that to you. Everything is fine, don’t worry about it. Ok Bye.