The Talk

16 Feb

My son is in the 4th grade and a big milestone in the 4th grade is your first round of Human Growth and Development. That’s right, my baby is gonna learn about sex and the plumbing. As responsible parent we felt that we should have the talk with him instead of balking on our parental duties and just letting the school handle it. Plus, he will go in some what informed and perhaps not as embarrassed.

Now, if you know me, you would know that this is quite a difficult task for me to accomplished on the grounds of sex talk generally makes me turn red and giggle like, well a 9 year old. This is a serious talk, I can’t be laughing and turning red like a thermometer while explaining to  my son the boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Although, knowing that I was going to have to a co-presenter I practiced being able to say penis and vagina without laughing. Usual I would say, you know the boy/girl parts, naughty bits, or any other descriptive word that got my point across without actually having to say the correct words. I practiced what I was gonna say the night before with being as serious as I can be. It went well, I was prepared. Son, was also warned that this was coming, much to his despair.

Here’s how it went (not verbatim but enough to get the jist):

Dad: Hey bud, come sit down, time for the talk.

Son:face read with the look of horror.

Husband looks to me to start

Mom: Ok…so… (I just can’t seem to spit the words out)

Dad: So you know that boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

Son starts turning bright red and giggling and looking at me, which in turn makes me start to laugh. This goes on for a few minutes.

Mom: Ok , stop laughing, I need to be serious and you are not helping. (finally stops) Like dad said boys penis, girls, vagina. Oh, I have pictures! (I pull out my anatomy chart) Clearly you already know what this looks like cause you have one. This is a vagina.

Son:  covers face MOM!

Dad: So boys have sperm (I draw a picture) Girls have eggs. Sperm swims up implants in egg ( I do finger demo)

Both: BAM BABY!

Dad: So you know how people have sex?

Son: No. Don’t need to know. I’m good.

Dad: You’ve seen animals mate, it’s the same thing. (son looking confused)

Both: Boy sticks penis in vagina

Son: OH GOD (covers face)

Dad; But you only do that when you love someone.

Mom: When you are older, much older.Dad: When that happens, make sure you wrap it up. Cause you could get diseases or get someone prego.

Mom: Your penis will get sick, you don’t want a sick penis do you? No, I don;t think you do. no glove no love. Help protect you from a sick penis and babies. Oh, by the way, don’t make us grandparents before we are 40, I would kill you.

Dad: It’ll hurt when you pee and you will get big giant pustules. (he shakes his head no) Really abstinence is the way to go., which means just don’t do it.

Son is completely grossed out at this  and still beat red.

Mom: So until you are older just keep it to yourself. K. Then when you are older just remember, nice girls. Bad girls will make youre penis sick.

Dad: (shakes his head at me) Not all of them carry diseases.

Mom: True, but a lot do. Are you willing to gamble at a sick penis?  Now pretty soon you’re gonna start gonna through what is called puberty. Take it Dad…

Dad: you will get hair in places that you didn’t before like your armpits, face, and down there and your voice will change.

Mom: Girls get boobs.

Dad: And you will think about those boobs ALL THE TIME and sex to, which you’re not gonna do till your older.

Mom: Ok so to wrap this up- Keep it to yourself until you’re older, nice girl you love, bad girls will make your penis sick, and wrap it up, no glove no love.

All in all I think it was a pretty successful talk after we got past the giggles. Thank god for my husband, he carried out his role as the non giggly parent perfectly. He looked completly mortified btu as I see it, it’s a right of passage.

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