The Marty Chronicles …. Episode 1 – My First Valentine’s Day With Marty

24 Feb
About 2 months after we started dating our first Valentine’s day arrived.
I was SO excited that I was finally going to have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day – that had never happened before.  Add that to the fact that I was a 22 year old girl with the silly hope of experiencing the mushy romanticized version of Valentine’s Day that I had built up in my mind all my life – you know, the roses, the card, the candlelit dinner, the declarations of undying love………

I thought about it and planned for weeks – I made him a heart shaped cake and picked out the perfect card – I had gotten some photo booth pictures of me blowing kisses and making sexy faces to give him for his wallet so he could look at them whenever he thought of me (which I figured would be like, 10 times a day at the very least).

We sat down on my bed to exchange gifts – I gave him mine first – he seemed to like the card and the photos just fine – he didn’t swoon or anything but that was OK – it was really his gift to me that was of major importance that day.

He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands.  He put something in my hand (OMG – it was small – was it jewelry?!!! my heart jumped)  and told me to open my eyes.  I looked down – it was a small clear plastic envelope with…………..white powder in it……..I was confused – I asked him what it was – he said (enthusiastically) “IT’S COKE!”  I blinked and processed this………where was my card? Where were the flowers? He got me cocaine?!!  What kind of romantic gift was that supposed to be?!!! I was a pot smoker but I had never done cocaine nor had I ever mentioned a desire to do it!  I was dumbfounded……..then I was crushed…….

I tried my best to hold back the tears and not freak out on him but I communicated my disappointment and he must’ve gotten the picture because he quickly put it away and told me he was sorry and hugged me.  Then he turned my head toward his and reached up as if to brush a tear from my cheek – only he brushed my upper lip with his finger instead and said

Marty : “Aww, I’m sorry I screwed up – I don’t want you to be sad – you’re my fuzzy little kitty”.

Me : Umm…what?  “Your fuzzy kitty? – What do you mean? How am I fuzzy? Is that your pet name for me?”

He smiled and touched my lip again and said “Because you have a cute little fuzzy mustache……”

!!! What?!!! OMG! That is NOT something you say to an overweight insecure girl who had not yet realized (until the next day upon closer horrified inspection) that she might need to bleach the fine hairs on her upper lip! He might as well have called me his pudgy little piglet!!

I don’t remember much about the night after that – I’m pretty sure it consisted of me trying not to have a crying meltdown and him trying to dig himself back out of the giant crater he’d drilled for himself.
Suffice it to say guys, Do NOT buy your girlfriend hard drugs for Valentine’s Day – and DO NOT point out that she has a slight mustache – go with the card and the flowers instead!

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