Archive | March, 2012

HB’s FanFic- Best review and expanded on response

23 Mar

So little know fact, I LOVE fan fiction. I read it so much, it is affectionately know around my house as mom’s crack. I also love to write, so after 3 years of reading everyone elses amzing stuff I decided to write my own. It’s Twilight fanfic, because I am…. I know, I know, a little bit of a Twihard. Go ahead and shake your head, I am proud of it!! Granted I prefer my vamps more on the Anne Rice, Buffy/Angel, VD side but I like another perspective cause guess what they aren’t real. Shocking I know. If they were, I think it would be hilarious if it turned out they actually did sparkle, lol.

Back to the topic. My story is called, That Doesn’t Happen in Real Life (TDHIRL). Bella Swan is not a huge fan of romantic comedies; nothing like that ever happens in real life… right? But what happens when Bella realizes that her life’s become a cliché’ romantic comedy, involving her and her best friend? Will she let it play out? http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7806761/1/That_Doesnt_happen_in_Real_Life

Our  wonderful Kimmie is so kind enough to read and proof for me, to which I am so greatful for. Especially since she is not a Twilight fan herself and just might throw up a little in her mouth when she hears about it. Although I told my readers that I am on a mission to convert her to at least kind of like it. I received one of my favorite reviews (see below) and I responded but then I thought about it later that I should have expanded it, so I did- which is what you will see below.

Review: new reader to your story..i wanted to wait until i reached the end to review
but then you dropped a crying vag and a magic peen and i couldn’t resist!
HAHAHA loving this story 🙂

Expanded Response: “I love your review, best ever. If you are lucky in the next couple ch I will drop a play tickle me.kitty or one finger vagina party” I don’t know about u but I hate a cryin vag. Its embarrassing when plp are like, what’s that noise ad u say, sorry my vag is crying. Then you hv to explain why- AWKWARD.”

Now while taking a tinkle (TMI?) and because I was still a tad off- who am I kidding, I’m always off, I thought I shld hv expanded on that-

Awkward because your explanation includes you not getting any sex in a while and then they apologize to you because that’s a really sad thing…since you are a prostitute.

Then you say, I would like to blame the economy, Obama, & prostitution not being  legal in this state but… I can’t. I got two words for ya…blue waffle. What’s that they ask, which is followed by a curious awkward silence cuz yeah, it sounds like a speciality waffle that has ice cream and sprinkles on top at Ihop but they are pretty sure it’s something sexual. You simply reply, it’s a career killer- then walk away.

Ooh I just thought of one for the magic penis.

“Hi my name is Candy. What’s yours?”
“Lucky Charms.”
“Lucky Charms?”
“Yeah, cuz just like the cereal, my penis is magically delicious.”

The things that run through my brain. I do have to say I feel much love from the FF community, they are amazing people!!

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Things that James says- Salt

23 Mar

“Salt is like the duct tape for food, it fixes everything.”

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BEST COSTUME EVER!!!

23 Mar

BEST COSTUME EVER!!!

KIM, IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO GET INTO THIS THING AND THE CORSET IS SUPER TIGHT. JUST GET ME ANOTHER BEER, PLEASE.

UGH! I’M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER, TAMI! NEXT TIME REMEMBER TO CUT ARM HOLES!

I WILL. I’M SORRY. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

 

**First let me say LMAO! Secondly, you know I plan my costume MONTHS in advance and would never forget something like arm holes. Thirdly (is that even a word? if not, it is now cause I said so) Did I saw this in a Russian accent? I feel like I would have an accent here- Russian.- HB

The Marty Chronicles….. Episode 2 : Ordering Pizza

20 Mar
It’s the early 90’s and Marty and I have moved in to an apartment together – it’s our first time ever living with someone.  We’ve been there for about 6 months and have settled into a semi-regular routine.

Marty : “I’m hungry, let’s order a pizza”

Me : “OK – call Domino’s – get a half pepperoni, half whatever you want”

Marty : “Aren’t you gonna call ‘em?”

Me : “I always call – you do it this time”

Marty : “I don’t like callin people to bring me stuff – it kinda freaks me out man”

Me : “Well, I’m not doing it, I’ve done it the last 10 times – it’s your turn – just call them already!”

Marty : (dials hesitantly) “Ummm…Hi! Yeah, I umm would like to order a pizza!” (listens) “Oh! Ummm…. Let’s see….I would like crust…….. and sauce on it! (his tone is that of an excited kid who knew the answer when his teacher called on him) Oh yeah – and CHEESE – that too!”  (listens) “Oh – You want me to pick toppings? Um – yeah – how about pepperoni………and mushrooms on half?”

Yes – he actually told the guy to use crust, sauce, and cheese when asked what he wanted on the pizza. And that’s not all…………..here’s what happened next :

20 minutes later – a knock on the door

Me : (from bedroom where I’m changing): “Pizza’s here – the money’s on the coffee table”

Sound of Marty opening door and interacting with pizza guy – thanking him enthusiastically and laughing – probably making some goofy joke……… “Ok here ya go”……….”No – it’s OK – just keep the change – thanks very much”

Door closes.

Me (emerging from bedroom) : “Did you just say keep the change?! How much was the pizza? Please tell me you did not just give him the whole $20!”

Marty : “The pizza was $9.50…. I didn’t wanna hassle him for change so I just told him to keep it for his tip”

Me : “ARE YOU CRAZY!?  We live 6 blocks from the place!  How could you give the guy a $10.50 tip for a $9 pizza?!!”

I can’t remember what he said after that but the incredulous vs clueless dialogue continued for awhile.  I had to explain the practice of appropriate tipping to him – generosity is great until you lose your freakin mind and tip more than the total bill. Keep in mind that I was working 50+ hours a week making $6.95 per hour at the time – and our rent was $675/month which is more than I’ve ever paid for rent in the past 20 years.  Marty had a good job but we certainly weren’t making insane tip money.

Tune in next time for…………Stop calling me at work, how to turn left at a stoplight, how to wash your armpits, how to throw away garbage and other “teachable moments”..

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SORRY

16 Mar

SORRY

I’M SORRY ABOUT THE QUAIL IN THE KITCHEN. AND ALL OVER THE HALLWAY. AND ANY BITS OF HIM THAT MAY BE UNDER THE TABLE, THE COUCH, OR POSSIBLY THE TELEVISION STAND. JUST TRYING TO CONTRIBUTE. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU DON’T EAT WILD FOWL, THAT’S ALL.  NOODLES DARED ME TO DO IT – TOTAL PEER PRESSURE.

I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS, AND A CASE OF DIET PEPSI. IT’S IN THE FRIDGE. WHY DON’T YOU QUIT CALLING ME A “COLD BLOODED MURDERER” AND GO HAVE SOME. I’LL ORDER SOME PIZZA OR SOMETHING.  BY THE WAY, THE MOUSE CARCASS IN THE CORNER IS NOT MINE.