The Marty Chronicles….. Episode 2 : Ordering Pizza

20 Mar
It’s the early 90’s and Marty and I have moved in to an apartment together – it’s our first time ever living with someone.  We’ve been there for about 6 months and have settled into a semi-regular routine.

Marty : “I’m hungry, let’s order a pizza”

Me : “OK – call Domino’s – get a half pepperoni, half whatever you want”

Marty : “Aren’t you gonna call ‘em?”

Me : “I always call – you do it this time”

Marty : “I don’t like callin people to bring me stuff – it kinda freaks me out man”

Me : “Well, I’m not doing it, I’ve done it the last 10 times – it’s your turn – just call them already!”

Marty : (dials hesitantly) “Ummm…Hi! Yeah, I umm would like to order a pizza!” (listens) “Oh! Ummm…. Let’s see….I would like crust…….. and sauce on it! (his tone is that of an excited kid who knew the answer when his teacher called on him) Oh yeah – and CHEESE – that too!”  (listens) “Oh – You want me to pick toppings? Um – yeah – how about pepperoni………and mushrooms on half?”

Yes – he actually told the guy to use crust, sauce, and cheese when asked what he wanted on the pizza. And that’s not all…………’s what happened next :

20 minutes later – a knock on the door

Me : (from bedroom where I’m changing): “Pizza’s here – the money’s on the coffee table”

Sound of Marty opening door and interacting with pizza guy – thanking him enthusiastically and laughing – probably making some goofy joke……… “Ok here ya go”……….”No – it’s OK – just keep the change – thanks very much”

Door closes.

Me (emerging from bedroom) : “Did you just say keep the change?! How much was the pizza? Please tell me you did not just give him the whole $20!”

Marty : “The pizza was $9.50…. I didn’t wanna hassle him for change so I just told him to keep it for his tip”

Me : “ARE YOU CRAZY!?  We live 6 blocks from the place!  How could you give the guy a $10.50 tip for a $9 pizza?!!”

I can’t remember what he said after that but the incredulous vs clueless dialogue continued for awhile.  I had to explain the practice of appropriate tipping to him – generosity is great until you lose your freakin mind and tip more than the total bill. Keep in mind that I was working 50+ hours a week making $6.95 per hour at the time – and our rent was $675/month which is more than I’ve ever paid for rent in the past 20 years.  Marty had a good job but we certainly weren’t making insane tip money.

Tune in next time for…………Stop calling me at work, how to turn left at a stoplight, how to wash your armpits, how to throw away garbage and other “teachable moments”..


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