Archive | October, 2012

Things you cannot do with a fucked up hand

7 Oct
I, meaning HB, recently fucked up my right hand and had to wear a splint for two weeks. My right hand being my dominate hand that I do FUCKING EVERYTHING with. The good news, I didn’t break it. The sad news, no cool ass cast to paint on and have friends, family, and random stranger sign. Thank God that I that I lost my pride years ago and that I have sense of humor because the onslaught of jokes and teasing could really drive a girl to drink and becoming severely depressed…again. Let’s just say, self deprecating humor comes in really hand when your me.  On one of my whinny bitch moments, I came up with a list of things I was unable to do with said fucked up hand. I thought I would share.
Things I cannot do
  1. Washing my own fucking hair: Relegated to having my husband, bless his heart, wash my hair like an invalid (did I spell that write? probably not). He has never washed a girls hair before. There is a process, you cannot just slap body soap on my hair, rub it around and call it good. We’re gonna try again but if it doesn’t work I’m gonna have to start interviewing for shampoo girls. (Interviews were conducted and the pleasure of washing and styling my mop top was given to the wonderful and amazing Kimmie. Actually, she volunteered. What a great bff I have.)
  2. Styling my own fucking hair: Clearly having my husband do it was never a thought. It took about 10 minutes to try and straighten my bangs with my left hand, then another 10 trying to put it up in a bun. It looked liked a 4 year old did it. My only hope is that Ayla will take pity on me and straighten my hair. I am seriously in love with her straightener by the way. Makes my hair look amazing, soft, & shinny. Perhaps I could sell some blood or get a second job to pay for one. (As stated above, bff Kimmie was gracious enough to taking on the styling task. Still want Ayla’s straightener though)
  3. Going to the ladies room: I am not one to discuss bathroom habits but have you tried wiping with your non-dominate hand? Using my left hand is like having a stranger wipe my ass for for me. It is awkward and uncomfortable. Not only that, but I almost fall off the toilet every time! Seriously makes me want to not drink anything.
  4. Pain pills: I can’t take them. Awesome. Totally makes my day.
  5. Writing: Two of my fingers work but it takes forever to write one word and I have to do this finger roll thing, it’s ridiculous. I can write with my left hand. it looks like a 7 year old wrote it and since i never use it it’s screaming at me, “I’m you left hand, I’m not suppose to work this hard!” (This was before my splint. After my splint, only my thumb was out and about so i had to wedge a pen between my thumb and my wrap and then use my whole arm to write.)
  6. Typing: Pecking at the keys with my good pointer finger while my left hand is yelling, “Enough all ready!” (Again, that was before splint. After splint i was relegated to left hand typing only. my left hand hates me now.)
  7. Using the mouse:  Right hand is a no  go. Left hand is very uncoordinated. Spend half the time going, “Where’s the fucking pointer!”
  8. All of these things induce a slew of colorful language to spew out my mouth. Fuck ,shit, goddammit! (patsy voice), Mother of Pearl, Christ on a Cracker, For the love of Pete, OMG, Ughhh…
In conclusion, this is what I have learned:
  1. Next time, punch the person you are mad at. At least they will be hurting too and you will feel better. If it’s your brother, don’t forget to kick him in the knees first, he will go down faster.
  2. Don’t hit the bag so hard. Yeah that’s not gonna happen. I’m pissed. I’m not going to hit it like a “Nancy girl.”
  3. Use your gloves
  4. Perhaps meditation…although highly doubtful
  5. While attempting any task, people will stop and watch you try to do said task. They will laugh and make jokes and ask why your tongue is out. I stick my tongue out when I’m concentrating. Don’t judge, it totally helps. Next time start charging .50 cents. If you are gonna be a side show freak, the least you can do is get snack money.
  6. Try and keep your stress level and anger down. You will only want to punch more things and cannot risk losing the use of both hands.