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NEWS STORIES BEGGING FOR WITTY COMMENTARY

24 Jan

Israelis lately experience attacks not just from the outside but from its own ultra-Orthodox communities (about 10 percent of the country, and growing), whose activists have jeered and stoned “immodestly” dressed women and girls (as young as 6) on the street, defaced women’s images on billboards, forced illegal gender segregation in public facilities (including buses and sidewalks), and vandalized businesses that treat women as equals (such as one ice cream shop — since female customers lick the cones in public). An especially violent minority, the Sikrikim, employ some tactics reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan in America. [The Guardian (London), 11-15-2011; Reuters, 10-18-2011]

HB: So if I flash some elbow, does that count as “immodestly” dressed?  I know how tempting and sexy my knobby elbow can be. Quick, someone warn the Gyspys from TLC not to go to Israel! You can’t lick an ice cream cone!? Would you rather i just stuck the whole thing in my mouth at once? I smell a bra burning coming.

Each August in Urakawa, Japan, a “hallucination and delusion competition” takes place among visiting alcoholics and sufferers of mental disorders, who in principle are helped by bonding with fellow patients and revealing their failures and successes. The Bethel Festival, named for its sponsor, brings about 600 people together for on-stage presentations (sometimes in the form of song or dance) and awards a grand prize to a standout visitor (one year, to a woman who lived for four days in a public restroom after a voice in her head told her to, and in another year, to a man who had overcome a 35-year stretch of never straying more than two yards from his mother). (Some mental-disorder professionals believe the festival is too-easily mockable by insensitive outsiders.) [Mainichi Daily News, 9-9-2011]

HB: Can we get a contract to telivise this? Tell me that would not bring in ratings? That is a 100 times more entertaining, then watching some man/woman pick and diddle with a cattle call of attention seeking whores on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  How did I not know about this? How do they decide the prizes? Does the phrase, “because Jesus told me so”, get  you more points? Is there a sign up sheet or registration form I need to fill out? I am, depending on who you talk to, bat shit crazy so I would fit right in. I know where I’m going for my Fake 2nd Birthday!

How does an extortionist (or kidnapper) safely collect the money that has been dropped off for him? In July, police staking out a vacant field in Colerain Township, Ohio, after leaving the $22,000 ordered by alleged extortionist Frank Pence, waited for about an hour, but Pence failed to show. Then, one officer noticed the money slowly moving across the field and finally caught up to Pence, who was pulling a very, very long, partially concealed rope from a location a distance from the drop site. [Cincinnati.com, 10-21-2011]

HB: Was the rope already in place before the drop was made? If so, why did no one noticed a partially conceled rope that ran the length of the field when they put the money down? Next time he will know to use fishhing line and a look out to tell him if they had caught on so he could run.

Authorities in Washington County, Ore., said in October that they would not file charges against a very weird 21-year-old woman who had felt compelled, as a tribute to her horse that had just died of old age, to get naked and climb inside the horse’s carcass, to “feel one” with it. Her boyfriend recorded the extremely bloody adventure with numerous photographs (many showing her smiling joyously), which made their way onto the Internet and available to any viewers with strong stomachs. Said Deputy Sgt. Dave Thompson: “At some point in your career, you say, yeah, I’ve seen a lot of bad stuff (and) you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven’t seen everything.” [KOIN-TV (Portland), 10-27-2011]

HB: Ummm…sorry I was trying to picture this in my head. So if she had taken a bloody carcass bath in someone elses horse, would they have then pressed charges? Her only problem is that she let her boyfriend leak them on the internet. Now she knows, being one with your horse by taking a bloody carcass bath pictures are kinda like taking  photos of your naughty bits for your bf/gf; they are for their/your eyes only. Lessoned learned. The boyfriend’s lesson, keep that to yourself, you never know when you’ll need some blackmail material. That makes me wonder what she’ll do if/when her bf dies of “just old age”?

A lawyer’s first rule of cross-examination is to never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to, but criminal defendants who act as their own lawyers typically do not get that memo. Philome Cesar, charged with about 25 robberies in the Allentown, Pa., area, began questioning his alleged victims at his trial in November. Please describe, he asked the first, what the robber sounded like. Answered victim Daryl Evans, “He sounded like you.” After Cesar asked a second victim the same question and received the same answer, he decided to stop cross-examining the victims. (He was convicted of 19 counts.) [Morning Call (Allentown), 11-15-2011; Express-Times (Easton, Pa.), 11-18-2011]

HB: As his mama yells at him after slapping him upside the head- “I told you to use one of those fancy accents when you asked that question.”

In New Braunfels, Texas, in November (2005), Robert Villarreal, 34, was sentenced to 50 years in prison after he sold drugs to the same undercover officer for the third time in a 14-year period. He had actually argued “entrapment,” claiming that for the first sale, in 1988, he was so young (age 18) that he shouldn’t be expected to remember later what the officer looked like. [New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung, 11-3-05]

HB: He totally pulled a Superman/Clark Kent. He had glasses on!!! How I’m supposed to recogonize him then.

 In what a cement company executive said is “one of those bureaucratic things that doesn’t make any sense,” the city of Detroit recently built wheelchair ramps at 13 intersections along Grandy Street, despite knowing that those ramps are either not connected to sidewalks or connected to seldom-used, badly crumbling sidewalks. The ramps were required by a 2006 lawsuit settlement in which Detroit pledged to build ramps on any street that gets re-paved, as Grandy was. (No one in city government thought, apparently, to attempt a trade of these 13 intersections for paving 13 more-widely used ones in the city.) [Detroit News, 10-28-2011]

HB: It’s the government, we waste money. It’s just what we do. You would think people would get that by now.

Veteran New York City performance artist Marni Kotak, 36, gave birth to her first child, Ajax, on Oct. 25 — and that was her “art,” as the birth took place at the Microscope Gallery in Brooklyn, N.Y., after Kotak had moved into the space two weeks earlier to interact with visitors. Previously, Kotak had “re-enacted,” as her “art,” both her own birth and the loss of her virginity in the back seat of a car. (A New York Times report suggested that Kotak may not be the most extreme performer in her family. Her artist-husband, Jason Martin, makes videos in which he dresses as a wolf or dog and “conducts seance-like rituals intended to contact the half-animal, half-human creatures that visited him in dreams as a child.”) [New York Post, 10-8-2011; New York Times, 10-30-2011]

HB: First off, those must some awesome drugs they are on. Unless you painted a picture of the New York sky line at dawn with all emniotic fluid during and put the final touches on it with the after birth, all while pushing out this kid-it’s not art. Even then it’s more of a taboo talent. When doing her own birth, did she come out of a paer mache’ vagina? Was there another person present at the loss of her V card or were there more paper mache’ naughty bits?

A man unnamed in a news story was charged on July 24 with resisting arrest (for trespassing) by failing to put his hands behind his back. According to the Destin, Fla., police report, the man explained, “I can’t put my hands behind my back because I’m making a bowel movement (in my pants).” (According to the report, that was true.) [Northwest Florida Daily News, 8-10-2011]

HB: Really, you’re shitting your pants? Ok, then you’re free to go. I ain’t riding with that.

Recent Alarming Headlines

“Maine Woman Loses Lawsuit Over Removal of Husband’s Brain” (Bangor Daily News, 9-26-2011). “Condoms Rushed to Thai Flood Victims” (Agence France-Presse, 10-5-2011). “Killer Sharks Invade Golf Course in Australia” (Sky News [London], 10-9-2011). “Lingerie Football League Wants to Start a Youth League” (King5.com [KING-TV, Seattle], 10-20-2011). “Man Uncooperative After Being Stabbed in Scrotum With Hypodermic Needle” (Wichita Eagle, 10-10-2011).  Really? Being stabbed in the balls with a needle is hardly cause to be uncooperative – in situations like this it’s always good to pretend your British in order to maintain your cooperation and politeness “Excuse me but I believe your hypodermic needle has become lodged in my scrotal tissue – would you be a chap and kindly remove it?”