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Awesome Baby Names

20 Jun

I’m never having a baby but in case you are I thought I’d give you some more name suggestions to add to your list. Three of these names are jokes – but if you can’t spot them then I’m not going to tell you 🙂

  • Cyrus

  • Chamberlain

  • Angus

  • Zebulon Starshooter (yes, you have to use both names)

  • Milo

  • Trace

  • Larabee

  • Silas

  • Kila

  • Starkey

  • Wakely

  • Captain

  • Yardley

  • Zelly

  • Hoolio

  • Violet

  • Dexter

  • Frisco

  • Oddrey

  • Dash

  • Archer

  • Mitchell

  • Satchel

  • Radley

  • Muerto

  • Ellory

  • Jonesie

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THE RETURN OF MY TV SIGNAL AND THE WILL TO LIVE……….

23 Jan

After much hand-wringing and agonizing over the loss of my TV signal last week I am happy to report that I made it through the weekend and everything is back to normal now (I use the term “normal” loosely here and only as it is relevant to the subject at hand). The problem was confirmed to be snow – as in, the dish seems to be created specifically for the sole purpose of collecting snow.

I called the place that installed the dish (the local guys not the ones with the call center in Hajministan or wherever) and explained my crisis to them Friday after I got home from work – the gal who answered had the audacity to laugh when I asked what the timeline would be for them to come out and clear the “obstruction” from my dish – she said (and I quote) “Ummm we don’t do that – you would need to call a roofing snow removal service to do that.” When I told her that her guys are the ones who put the dish 30 feet up in a spot where it is impossible to reach without a helicopter, she said that the location was the “homeowners decision at the time of installation” – WTF? They did not consult me when they installed it – and if they had I certainly wouldn’t have known to say “Put it where I can reach it because if it fills up with snow and I Iose my TV signal I will have to kill myself”.

My dad’s suggestion was to get 3 ten foot sections of 1 inch PVC pipe – connected with couplers (then he explained what a coupler was) and put a 90 degree elbow on one end with the end of a broom attached, then ease it up the side of the house until the pole was near the dish then edge it out over the eave of the roof and carefully brush the snow off. He said this would be a 2 man job (no kidding?) and that I would need to be super careful not to move the dish itself for fear of knocking it out of alignment. I think he was just fucking with me trying to see if I would actually go to Home Depot and explain this little project to the employee who might take pity on me after watching me stand in the “PVC” dept for 45 minutes with a confused look on my face while attempting to “couple” different sizes of plastic pipe together. Do I need to mention that I was supposed to manage this in knee-deep snow? I can see me and my brother-in-law holding that long-ass pipe from across the street and trying to aim it up the side of the house and not stab the end of it into the ground like 2 javelin contestants in the Darwin Award Olympics.

Luckily the temperature warmed up enough on Saturday to melt the snow and no further measures had to be taken. This does not mean that it won’t happen again the next time it snows – which it is supposed to do off and on all week. In preparation for another signal loss I spent a lot of time searching every hour of the channel guide for shows to tape so I could increase my stockpile and use up every minute of available space. I’m also still considering calling the minions of the Dark Lord (Comcast) to come and hook me up to their extremely expensive cable-morphine drip in order to avoid future problems like this – but, like all problems that come & go – it’s easy to ignore until the next incident…………..

K

IDEAS FOR THE OFFICE TALENT SHOW

20 Jan

I was approached today to participate and help plan an office talent show. I am not the “talent show” type – I really have very few talents that can be shared with the general public or my co-workers without fear of being fired on the spot and/or being arrested for lewd and disgusting behavior. The person who came up with this “wonderful” idea would not take “no” for an answer and proceeded to beg and wheedle me until I said “I’ll consider it”. So – in the spirit of “considering” I came up with a few ideas off the top of my head for what I could do.

Talent ideas :

• Spelling – people could yell out words and I would spell them
• Live hunting demo with my cats and real mice who get tortured, flung into the air, then murdered
• Hi my name is Chubby routine
• Sarcasm
• Mocking
• Eye Rolling
• Talking about podcasts & audio books
• Stories of crossdressing Cuddle fishes and how they are better than people
• Describing episodes of Southpark and how much I love Eric Cartman
• Judge Judy-esque talent judging while others perform
• Witch fingers and witch toes demonstration (I’m double-jointed)
• Puking up my lunch on command in slow motion controlled mouthfuls then re-chewing/swallowing (seriously I’ve watched myself in the mirror before and it’s Kris-Angel style magic)
• Swallowing large #’s of pills at the same time (the audience could put any pills they have on them in a bowl and I would swallow them all no matter how many)
• Talking about which places in Spokane have the best chicken strips and why
• Sticking an entire Q-tip up my nose so it disappears
• Popping people’s toes
• Rapping Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys
• Texting while driving and other supposedly dangerous driving habits
• Mean tricks my Grandpa taught me (knife, puddle, towel & smoky eyes) also wacky songs and stories like the Mile-a-more bird and the Woodpecker who pecked on the Schoolhouse door
• Dissertation on shopping online
• Family redneck stories
• Marty stories (Marty was my first live-in boyfriend and is famous for his naïve ignorance of just about everything – such as how to order pizza and how not to drop a 100lb bale of hay on my father’s head from the back of a truck)

I am open to other suggestions – just make sure it doesn’t involve anything requiring actual “talent” and remember this will supposedly be done in front of all the people I work with.-HB

I think you should paint a pictures with the giant paint brushes you have attached to your chest. We could put a screen up so they can only see your shadow while you paint.

NO TV SIGNAL FOR KIMMY!!

20 Jan

To my friends and loved ones………..
01/18/12 7:34PM
I know you’re all probably wondering if I came home to a TV signal tonight after my 48 minute drive home (snow – roads – morons – you get the picture).
Well – brace yourself because I DON’T HAVE TV!!! My screen says “TOTAL SIGNAL LOSS – check for obstructions such as tree branches or SNOW – if it’s safe, clear the obstruction then unplug your receiver for 10 seconds to reset”. So I unplugged it, counted to ten and when I turned it back on it said “Acquiring Signal – this should not take more than 5 minutes to complete” it has said this for over 30 minutes now – umm… Hello? Isn’t there a timer built in on their end to change the message on the screen to “Well shit – it’s taking a lot longer than 5 minutes – this probably means you have no chance in hell of getting a signal until April – however we will still be charging you for the privilege of not having service because our boat payments still need to be made.”

1) We don’t have that much snow – certainly not enough to warrant a TOTAL SIGNAL LOSS
2) No way in hell am I climbing up on the roof to “clear” the obstruction – whoever wrote that suggestion clearly smoked too much dope in satellite dish college
3) They BETTER figure out a better way to fix this issue or my business is going to Satan’s gatekeepers (Comcast) who run their cables UNDER the ground

4) Dish Network is LUCKY that I always keep at least 100+ hours of DVR programs on reserve to get me through a possible TV famine. I counted and I have 140 saved shows/episodes. My only regret is that I still have 26 hours of blank space leftover that I could’ve filled with more emergency shows if only I had known what a piece of shit their stupid dish is.

So – yes, there is more than enough reason to worry – you people of faith might want to pray for me to be saved from this unholy nightmare – however I will do my best to persevere and make it through this difficult time. I will keep everyone posted on my signal status. Thank you for your understanding and sympathy.

Love,

Kim Sue