Things that James says- Salt

23 Mar

“Salt is like the duct tape for food, it fixes everything.”

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BEST COSTUME EVER!!!

23 Mar

BEST COSTUME EVER!!!

KIM, IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO GET INTO THIS THING AND THE CORSET IS SUPER TIGHT. JUST GET ME ANOTHER BEER, PLEASE.

UGH! I’M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER, TAMI! NEXT TIME REMEMBER TO CUT ARM HOLES!

I WILL. I’M SORRY. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

 

**First let me say LMAO! Secondly, you know I plan my costume MONTHS in advance and would never forget something like arm holes. Thirdly (is that even a word? if not, it is now cause I said so) Did I saw this in a Russian accent? I feel like I would have an accent here- Russian.- HB

The Marty Chronicles….. Episode 2 : Ordering Pizza

20 Mar
It’s the early 90’s and Marty and I have moved in to an apartment together – it’s our first time ever living with someone.  We’ve been there for about 6 months and have settled into a semi-regular routine.

Marty : “I’m hungry, let’s order a pizza”

Me : “OK – call Domino’s – get a half pepperoni, half whatever you want”

Marty : “Aren’t you gonna call ‘em?”

Me : “I always call – you do it this time”

Marty : “I don’t like callin people to bring me stuff – it kinda freaks me out man”

Me : “Well, I’m not doing it, I’ve done it the last 10 times – it’s your turn – just call them already!”

Marty : (dials hesitantly) “Ummm…Hi! Yeah, I umm would like to order a pizza!” (listens) “Oh! Ummm…. Let’s see….I would like crust…….. and sauce on it! (his tone is that of an excited kid who knew the answer when his teacher called on him) Oh yeah – and CHEESE – that too!”  (listens) “Oh – You want me to pick toppings? Um – yeah – how about pepperoni………and mushrooms on half?”

Yes – he actually told the guy to use crust, sauce, and cheese when asked what he wanted on the pizza. And that’s not all…………..here’s what happened next :

20 minutes later – a knock on the door

Me : (from bedroom where I’m changing): “Pizza’s here – the money’s on the coffee table”

Sound of Marty opening door and interacting with pizza guy – thanking him enthusiastically and laughing – probably making some goofy joke……… “Ok here ya go”……….”No – it’s OK – just keep the change – thanks very much”

Door closes.

Me (emerging from bedroom) : “Did you just say keep the change?! How much was the pizza? Please tell me you did not just give him the whole $20!”

Marty : “The pizza was $9.50…. I didn’t wanna hassle him for change so I just told him to keep it for his tip”

Me : “ARE YOU CRAZY!?  We live 6 blocks from the place!  How could you give the guy a $10.50 tip for a $9 pizza?!!”

I can’t remember what he said after that but the incredulous vs clueless dialogue continued for awhile.  I had to explain the practice of appropriate tipping to him – generosity is great until you lose your freakin mind and tip more than the total bill. Keep in mind that I was working 50+ hours a week making $6.95 per hour at the time – and our rent was $675/month which is more than I’ve ever paid for rent in the past 20 years.  Marty had a good job but we certainly weren’t making insane tip money.

Tune in next time for…………Stop calling me at work, how to turn left at a stoplight, how to wash your armpits, how to throw away garbage and other “teachable moments”..

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SORRY

16 Mar

SORRY

I’M SORRY ABOUT THE QUAIL IN THE KITCHEN. AND ALL OVER THE HALLWAY. AND ANY BITS OF HIM THAT MAY BE UNDER THE TABLE, THE COUCH, OR POSSIBLY THE TELEVISION STAND. JUST TRYING TO CONTRIBUTE. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU DON’T EAT WILD FOWL, THAT’S ALL.  NOODLES DARED ME TO DO IT – TOTAL PEER PRESSURE.

I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS, AND A CASE OF DIET PEPSI. IT’S IN THE FRIDGE. WHY DON’T YOU QUIT CALLING ME A “COLD BLOODED MURDERER” AND GO HAVE SOME. I’LL ORDER SOME PIZZA OR SOMETHING.  BY THE WAY, THE MOUSE CARCASS IN THE CORNER IS NOT MINE.

Bonita Wood-Alope and The Ripper

28 Feb

 

KA : “OMG THEY ARE SO FREAKIN AWESOME I CAN’T STAND IT!!!!”
Jack the Ripper-alope and Bonita Woodalope are sexy badass jackalopes with attitude – they are definitely going to battle each other – the winner gets to be on top – then they will mate like wild dogs (they like to do it dirty) and their babies will be bloodthirsty magical animal hybrids with razor sharp antlers!

Jackalope convo amongst friends

28 Feb

Kimmie: His name is The Ripper

HB: Good name- he looks all sweet and innocent but really he’ll rip your ass apart.

Kimmie: Exactly: Jackalope the Ripper will gut you like a trout.

HB: I’d like to say Bonita only looks mean and  really, she is sweet as pie…she”s not. She will fuck a Bitch up.

Kimmie:I’ve already fashioned a necklace for him- it goes with his fur and makes him appear laid back and totally not a rabbicidal maniac or bunnicidal maniac.

HB: Awesome, Bontita needs something too…just need to think

Kimmmie: She needs bling-I have something for her.

HB: Does it say- touch my cupcakes and I cut you. BITCH! Have a nice day

Kimmie: Nope, but it’s diamonds.

Kimmie: You can make her a tiny painted sign.

HB: Well any well respected bitch from the ghetto of Timbucktoo, needs diamonds.

HB: I plan on doing photos tonight.

Kimmie: LOL! I want to take him home to pet and admire but I know he would get in a fight with Jethro

HB: I need at least 3 more of these. A litter- perhaps Bonita and JR can mate.

Kimmie: Yes! They can have baby giraffes and little fox friends too.

HB:Cause jackalopes are magical and they can reproduce any animal in the world.

If you read our blog, you will know we have wanted, , needed a jackalope. Imagine our excitement when we saw them at the store we were at, sold them!! It was like Christmas day, Easter, and our birthday’s wrapped in one. Even better, to where we were screaming like a 13 yr old seeing Justin Bieber, we saw jackalope heads HANGING ON THE WALL!!!!! We both immediately started texting family to let them know we have found them. I have now started a campaign to receive a wall mount jackalope as my 30th birthday present. It believe that it has magical powers that will make me feel better about turning 30.

 

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KIMMIE  :  It was truly magical – my heart made a silent “squeee” sound when I spotted the mini-jackalope display on the shelf – I thought I was going to die with joy………..AND THEN I SPOTTED THE BIG ONES MOUNTED ON THE WALL and I had to contain myself for fear of having a “Price-is-Right OMG i’ts a NEW CAR” moment.  I was like “AH!!! LOOK TAMI – THEY HAVE THE BIG ONES ON THE WALL!!!” and we grabbed each other and made happy noises and murmured “We totally need one – I have to have one – I’m getting one – someone needs to buy me one of those” under our breaths while walking out of the store and texting our families frantically to alert them that jackalopes have been spotted in Spokane.

We had to buy ourselves the mini jackalopes to satisfy our lope-lust enough to get out of the store – there was no way we would have made it back to work otherwise.  Our co-workers ranged from slightly amused to bewildered and frightened of our joyful showing off of the jackalopes – nobody gets it like me and HB – they don’t understand the magic of the alopes.  I think it’s a good social test to find out if someone is cool or not – just ask “Jackalope – totally awesome – yes or no?”  If they don’t say yes immediately they are lame and won’t get most of our jokes.

HOLY SHIT! WE GOT JACKALOPES!!!

28 Feb

We are pleased to introduce Jack the Ripper-Alope and Bonita Wood-Alope